Sibling Squabbles
Siblings of preschool age squabble on average 6–8 times an hour. This is normal and also very important, since this is the children’s way of learning to deal with conflicts. That individuals are different, want different things but still have to collaborate is the foundation for humans functioning together. Children practise this together with their siblings. However, sibling squabbles can also become harmful if the siblings are not equal in strength. Sibling squabbles where one child is the constant loser or is downtrodden can affect development and happiness in a negative way.
Why do siblings squabble?
Siblings measure their strength and knowledge against each other. People are born with a need to measure themselves against others and to compete. In sibling squabbles, children do this with the ones that are nearby and who will always be there whatever happens. It is safe to quarrel with siblings. Feelings of injustice or jealousy are a normal cause of the squabbles. Competing for attention can also be a reason for quarrelling. Maybe one is jealous of the little brother or sister who always gets to sit on your lap? Or of the older one who knows things and gets praised?
If the family is going through a stressful time, quarrels might be a way of getting the parents’ attention. Or the children become affected by the stress and therefore act up more than usual. Your own tone affects the children and if you as a parent are having a bad time keeping your cool this increases the risk of the children whining and becoming quarrelsome.
Children are also quarrelsome and jealous in different ways, purely due to their personality. Some just pass through their childhood without hurting a fly, while others constantly want to fight, measure themselves and compete.
What is too much squabbling?
Children of preschool age quarrel a lot! With both friends and siblings. That doesn’t mean they can’t have a good relationship at the same time. But there must be a balance between being together and conflicts, play and challenges in order for the squabbles not to have the upper hand. Is one sibling there when the other one becomes sad? Do they play well together between the squabbles? You can often see the good relationship between the siblings when they are with others outside the family. Perhaps they protect and help each other in preschool or at the park? What is too much quarrelling is relative in other words, you need to see the whole picture. At the same time, what we can tolerate as parents differs and might depend on different things: mainly whether we are in balance or too stressed, or what personal experiences we have had of sibling squabbles and relationships.
What do you do when squabbles flare up?
There has not been much research into how parents should solve problems of sibling squabbles. This might be because it is seen as normal. The research that does exist points out that parents should not be passive (in the hope that the siblings will solve their own conflicts) or become judges and try to administer fairness. It is more about being a mediator who can teach children to see each other’s perspective and encourage them to find a compromise. What do we need to move on? How can everyone be happy again?
As a parent, you help children to understand, express and manage their feelings. When they are older, they should be able to see the other person’s perspective, as well as sometimes stand up for themselves and sometimes take a step back. To confirm a child’s feelings “I understand that you become jealous/angry/sad” and explain your decisions “Pelle was allowed to go there this time, it will be your turn next time” but at the same time follow through “You will sleep in your own bed but Ahmed needs to sleep with me because he is so small” is a good basic attitude when children are jealous of each other. This helps them understand their feelings and the situation becomes manageable, and at the same time you provide security in the shape of routines and guidance. (But this does not necessarily mean that they will accept this calmly and sensibly. They are going to protest and we must look on the learning process in a longer perspective.)
Managing your own anger is fundamental when you are to help quarrelsome children. Losing your temper is human, but it dilutes the conflict and gives children a bad example of how to solve conflicts by frightening, screaming or threatening. Instead it is better to walk away until you have calmed down or quickly bury the hatchet if you find yourself telling the other parent off in pure frustration. This sets a good example and lowers the level of quarrelling in the whole family. If the daily morning stress of preschool and work is a risk situation for emotional upset, it is a good idea to take a step back and prepare some new strategies. What do I need to hold it together until the children have been dropped off? Maybe half an hour to myself before the others are awake?
Children up to the age of 2 or 3 need a lot of support from adults as a diversion and for solving conflicts. The social ability of such young children is still undeveloped. You learn more by doing well than by talking. New big brothers and sisters also need an adult beside them when they first spend time with their new siblings. Impulse control is still unreliable and children could accidentally injure a baby. With older preschool children aged 4 or 5, after the quarrel you can ponder together on how to deal with this another time. But everyone needs to have calmed down before talking. Forcing someone to say sorry does not help the child who has been the victim or the child who has done something silly. To say sorry is fine but this is learned from hearing it said by others, it needs to be spontaneous. Asking children to “shake hands nicely” or cuddle someone they are still angry with is not a good idea. Because you are allowed to be angry! However, you are not allowed to fight! You can help children express their feelings by for example reformulating a scream of “I hate you” to “you are very angry” or give your child an alternative: “come and find me next time you get very angry instead of hitting out”.
An important task as a parent when siblings compete and quarrel is also to comfort children after the event. The difficult realisation that you are not best at everything and not always a winner becomes less hard to bear in a safe embrace from an adult, where you can feel that you are always loved.
As a parent, what can you do when the squabbles are happening too often?
There are often fewer sibling squabbles when they play outside or when other friends join in the play. The situation can be eased by going outside on weekend mornings, for example, or inviting a friend from preschool.
To help sort things out when there have been a lot of sibling squabbles, you can note down what happens for a few days to find the risk situations that lead to squabbles. The next step is to prevent the squabbles by avoiding these situations, change something in them or add new routines. If there are always squabbles at bed time, new routines, putting each child to bed separately or earlier bed times for example, can help. If some games cause squabbles, you can try to avoid them or tempt them over to another game. Can you see when a situation is about to escalate and then go and separate the children to avoid this?
To increase something that works well between the siblings is both good and helpful since the good times are important to offset all the quarrelling. Perhaps they can take a bath together more often or cuddle together on the couch in front of children’s TV?
To ignore the squabbles and acknowledge the positive sides between the children, like big brother is helpful or makes little sister laugh (“she always thinks that you are the funniest”), also helps to minimise the squabbles. If pushing has been a problem, acknowledging when it doesn’t happen can help, such as “it was good of you to ask me for help when you got angry and you did not push him, well done you!”. Research has shown that positive attention has a good effect in reducing negative behaviour. If as a parent you focus on the negative, which is very easy, it leads instead to more quarrelling. Your instant reaction might be to tell off, scold or explain why the child is not allowed to do or say that, but unfortunately this usually does not work and might even increase the negative effect. To admonish the children not to quarrel has the same negative effect since it focuses attention on the quarrel and the children can sense the parent’s negative expectation. This is easier said than done; it is so easy to blurt out some “preventive admonitions” because as a parent you really want to avoid squabbles. If this seems familiar, one tip could be to keep track of how many negative and “preventive” things you say to the children and then make an effort to minimise this and instead give double the attention to what works well.
For each parent to take care of one child at a time makes it easier to generate positive moments. Two’s company, three’s a crowd! Good times help you and the child escape from the rut and find each other. Many of us might want to cling onto the whole of the family, to feel like a “real family”. But during periods of squabbles and fuss there is a greater chance of having a good time if you sometimes focus on one child each. If you are a lone parent, it can also be good to organise individual moments with each child, even if it is not easily arranged.
Charting and sorting the siblings’ time together can help to reduce conflicts, but the goal can never be to completely avoid squabbles. The vast majority of siblings quarrel, especially during preschool age. Remember that it is part of their social training.
Harmful sibling squabbles
If the relationship between siblings is characterised by conflicts that hurt or injure a sibling, as a parent you are duty bound to act. This can be caused by a general negative mood in the family, children becoming stressed by the parents’ psychological condition or a very negative relationship between the parents. It may also be caused by a child feeling low or having his or her own difficulties. Whatever the reason is for children quarrelling, the child this is directed at must be protected. Everyone must feel secure at home with their family. Start with a chart as above. Spend some time alone with the child that is acting up, so as to give the child some extra positive attention. Ask others for assistance, to give you a rest or child minding so that you can manage to reverse the negative spiral. Sometimes the family needs support from family counselling or a child psychologist, for example. Feel free to discuss this with a BHV nurse.
