Getting a Sibling
Getting a sibling is a great source of pleasure but also means changes for both the older sibling and the parents. Helping the children achieve a good sibling relationship is normally the highest priority.
Meeting the sibling for the first time
Meeting the sibling for the first time is often a fairly confused and emotional time for the family. Everyone has to find their new role at the same time.
For that reason, for the first few months it’s best to focus on making sure that everyone in the family settles down. Even if you’re careful about upbringing and routines under normal circumstances, it may be worthwhile prioritising simplicity now. More time than usual in front of the TV, ready-meals for dinner eaten in front of the TV and a level of cleaning that tolerates quite a lot of dust in the hall may be a suitable level of ambition. You needn’t worry that the good habits you’ve instilled into your older child will be lost forever just because you go through a period like this. Even small children can understand when you say, “We’ll make an exception today and eat in front of the TV, even though we shouldn’t do really do it”. After a few months or half a year, everyone has had time to settle down in the new family and you can then go back to your usual rules.
The same pragmatic approach may also be useful when it comes to sleep. Arrange it so that everyone goes to bed where they sleep best. It doesn’t matter if that means that everyone sleeps in the same bed, the older sibling sleeps in his or her own room or the parents each sleep in a different room with a different child. It’s important for everyone to sleep as well and as much as possible.
If the older sibling goes to preschool, it’s sometimes useful if he or she can keep on going there, including for the first ten days. But do whatever best suits your family. Children can be more fretful than usual when you drop them off during this period and it’s easy to interpret that as meaning that they feel excluded. However, it often means that the child is aware of your own doubts and is testing to see whether he or she is going to be allowed to stay at home. Children live in the present and aren’t capable of conceiving the thought that “Everyone else is at home and they’re having a nice time together without me”. We, the parents, are the ones who’re afraid they’ll feel that way. In reality, the arrival of the younger sibling means that the older sibling actually gets more time with the parents because when a parent is on parental leave of absence, he or she picks up earlier and sometimes also has the child at home.
Other changes at the same time
In the past, it was said that you should avoid other changes at the same time when you get a younger sibling because otherwise it would be too much to deal with at once. In practice, dealing with a lot of changes when you have a sibling is the rule rather than the exception. You suddenly have to move house because there are so many of you. The older sibling has to change preschools because you’ve moved house. Or you realise that there isn’t room for two children in the bed and you move the older sibling into his or her own room. It normally works out well, even if there is a lot going on at once in the older sibling’s life. If, as a parent, you prepare the older sibling and are there to support him or her, it’s possible to cope with most changes. However, it can be hard work for you when you have to help the older sibling while you’re busy with the younger one. For that reason, it’s sensible not to do things like stopping using a dummy or nappies or making the older sibling start to sleep in his or her own bed for the first few months.
How does the older sibling react?
Depending on age and temperament, reactions can vary from complete indifference to fanatical obsession. Some older siblings change completely and need a great deal of closeness and support, whereas others carry on as though nothing has happened. Children’s reactions can consist of anything from tantrums to being hyperactive.
Small children may hurt the baby with pinches and shoves, whereas older children (from the age of three) more often “punish” the parent by being naughty or ignoring them. Sometimes this behaviour is interpreted as jealousy on the child’s part. That may of course be the case. But the change in the child can also be caused by the fact that his or her life is different and he or she doesn’t really think that the change is for the better. If you’ve had your parents to yourself and you’ve had your needs met immediately, it’s quite natural for you to complain. That doesn’t necessarily mean that you feel unloved or supplanted, it may just be that you miss what was natural and normal and you can’t really handle all the emotions you feel.
Your own time with the older sibling
If the older sibling becomes unruly, has tantrums or runs around like a lunatic, the best thing to do is arrange regular times when you can have your own time together. If the older sibling is small, you can be at home by yourselves and have a quiet, cosy time together. Perhaps the baby can be taken out on a walk in the meantime. The purpose of these times is to win over the child and spend time together without arguing. Try having a bath together if you have a bathtub or building a tent in the bed that you can lie in close together with a torch. Eat ice cream even though it’s the middle of the week or simply watch a children’s film together on TV. Let the child have your positive attention and have a nice time together.
The more the child has tantrums, is naughty or unhappy, the more it needs cuddles to give it security. But it can be hard to approach a small child who’s being so contrary. Building a narrow tent or moving progressively closer on the sofa may enable you to approach the child without being noticed. Once you’ve got the child to relax, you’ve gathered your strength together for the next day’s stresses. And you’ve given the child exactly what he or she needs without him or her realising.
If the first child also becomes a baby
Small siblings may sometimes regress — go backwards in their development — when a sibling arrives. That doesn’t mean that the child is having a crisis, but can be interpreted as the child processing his or her new experiences through play. Playing at being a baby is a child’s way of understanding and feeling what it’s like to be small.
If an older sibling who’s been dry begins to wet him or herself, it can mean that the child is expending a great deal of energy settling into his or her new situation and therefore isn’t as likely to notice the need to pee. Don’t scold the child or interpret it as a sign that there’s a problem; just be relaxed about it if it happens. When the child gets a bit more used to the new situation, the ability to go to the toilet will come back by itself.
If the older sibling suddenly wants to lie in the cradle, has to be carried or wants to be breastfed again, you can respond in any way you feel like responding at that moment. Being strict and trying to train the child out of the babyish behaviour tends to be just as useless as being consistent or simply allowing it. Instead, allow what you feel you can in that moment. Sometimes you have the time, the energy and the strength to carry and manage two small babies, sometimes you don’t. And that’s exactly what the older child needs to learn. Sometimes the child may enjoy the benefits of being a little baby and sometimes he or she needs to be “big”, with all the benefits that entails. It’s part of the process of change that goes with being an older sibling.
The need to be big
Expecting the older sibling to be big isn’t very appealing. But expecting someone to cope by themselves, such as putting on wellingtons when you’re having a stressful time in the hallway with a screaming newborn, is to give confidence, to show trust. It’s saying to the child, “I’m counting on you to be able to do this because I think you’re clever and good enough to do it”. It’s also a way of showing the child that we have to help one another out in a family. We’ll get by better if everyone helps out and does their bit. And because the baby can’t yet be particularly useful, the ability to be big also forms a special bond between the parent and the older sibling. There’s a feeling of “those of us who understand and cooperate” that can work well.
Helping out with the baby
It’s a good idea to include the older child in the care of the baby. If you adopt the attitude that the baby is everyone’s baby, that it’s part of the family and it’s everyone’s responsibility to look after it (according to his or her ability of course), you will have helped the older child take a big step towards seeing what the new life will be like. Giving a lot of praise and encouragement when the older sibling wants to help is a good way of strengthening the relationship between the siblings. Before the baby itself can actively begin to show its appreciation, you can yourself fill in with “When you play with him/her, he/she’s always calmer and happier than with anyone else”. Or “Look how happy he/she gets when you come”. The reward is a feeling of being important and clever and the appreciation you show as a parent. But above all, it’s the younger sibling’s love and worship!
A few tips on what older siblings can help with under the supervision of an adult:
- Fetching the dummy
- Drying the baby after a bath
- Singing the baby to sleep
- Sitting and holding the baby
- Pulling faces and making funny noises
- Putting on socks
Rough treatment of the baby
Make it clear from the beginning that you have to be careful with a newborn baby. Younger siblings have no idea how fragile babies are and they need to learn that. It’s a good idea to let the child know exactly what he or she can and can’t do. We have our strong reflexes to help us. We react instinctively if it looks as though the baby could suffer an injury and we can be loud and hot-headed when we rush in and separate the siblings. Our reflexes enable us to be clear and specific. They help us to clearly show what is most important as far as newborn babies are concerned: They’re fragile and must be handled carefully! These reactions don’t lead to jealousy. They provide a lot of help on the way to becoming the world’s best big sister or brother.
Jealousy
Jealous children need a lot more guidance in order to feel and show love for the baby. Encouraging the child in that regard isn’t overriding his or her feelings. You can affirm the older sibling’s jealousy while at the same time asking him or her to be loving toward the baby. The emotions you want to build up between the children are loyalty and solidarity. These are therefore the emotions you must clearly encourage on the part of the older sibling. By showing the same love towards the children, trying to understand and affirm their feelings and strengthening the relationship between them, we give any jealousy as little room to grow as possible.
The first meeting between the siblings
The first meeting between the siblings is a big moment! Don’t forget to watch how the newborn baby reacts! Perhaps he or she recognises the noise made by the older sibling from the time in the womb. It’s a good idea to show the older sibling that the world has changed right from the first meeting. The message to the older sibling must be crystal clear: This is someone we should all love. We, the parents, already love him or her and now it’s your turn to enter the community of love.
