Tantrums
child gets frustrated over everything he or she can’t yet do or control or isn’t allowed to do, be or want. At a psychological level, tantrums are about conflicts within the child. Children at the age when tantrums occur experience mood swings due to neurological, intellectual and physical changes. As a child approaches the age of four, his or her development will move more toward reciprocity in the relationship and he or she will become more even-tempered.
A parent’s job when it comes to tantrums
Tantrums are therefore about development. But quite tiresome development. When they’re at their most intense, it’s a good idea to remember that tantrums are not about what kind of parent you yourself are. Instead, arguments result from the fact that children need to get out all the emotions bubbling up inside them. Your job as a parent is to help, protect and understand. And now it’s these emotions that the child needs help with. The child takes all the deficiencies or inabilities with which he or she is temporarily struggling out on an adult. That makes them easier for the child to bear. By directing their anger against someone else, they can carry on feeling like a good person. And it becomes the parent’s fault instead! (Anyone who’s ever had a boss knows how easy it is to react like that when things get on top of you). There are some failings that we simply need to let someone else bear for a while until we’re able to bear them ourselves. That’s human nature. We need one another and use one another. Particularly in our close relationships.
Dealing with tantrums
One basic piece of advice to parents who have to deal with tantrums is: Hold it in — hold out — hold off. Take a deep breathe and adapt as well as you can. Collapse and move on. Learn what tantrums are all about and look forward to the day when your child comes out of it. Gather your strength and love for the next period of tantrums. Over time, you’ll find strategies to deal with the child and you’ll realise that these periods pass.
Adapting yourself and your existence to the moods of a toddler can feel strange. Perhaps you don’t want the child to feel as though he or she has won because of the outburst. That way of thinking is based on the assumption that the child is using his or her moods to control the world. If, instead, we see a tantrum as an expression of internal frustration, it’ll be easier to adapt. You can see it in terms of real power and pretend power. Parents must have the real power in the child’s life. Allowing a child to have a sense of power and adapting to the child’s moods doesn’t create a tyrant. It just lets the child retain a certain dignity during periods when he or she fails a hundred times a day and is frustrated. You can also see it as a way of offering the child a back door out of conflicts instead of letting arguments with a three year-old who really doesn’t have control escalate all the way. Many parents are caught in the trap of believing that they aren’t good parents if they’re not always consistent. They think that if they’re not consistent, the child won’t learn or will become insecure and confused. In calmer periods, it’s an excellent idea for parents to maintain a consistent approach to the rules and routines established in the family. However, during tantrum periods, it can, with the best of intentions, make the conflicts more intense and daily life more turbulent. Children going through tantrums are themselves extremely inflexible. They have fixed ideas about the order in which things must be done, who is allowed to have milk in the glass and what is the only pair of socks that works. Treating them with sensitivity and flexibility helps the child’s developments towards dealing with and controlling their feelings better.
Tips on adaptation:
- The child needn’t sit quietly at the dinner table for a long time
- Go shopping before you pick up the child from preschool
- Bribe the child with fruit or biscuits on the way home from the park
- Wash the child’s favourite socks in the evening so they’re always available at times when only those socks will do
- Encourage your child to think that he or she is choosing by offering two options
- Use a snack, rest or pastime in potentially troublesome situations
- Prepare the child for what you’re going to do next: “We’ll be going home in five minutes. You’re going to think it’s boring, but we have to go home anyway.”
Tips on dealing with tantrums and outbursts:
- Put the child’s feelings into words: “I can see you’re angry and disappointed right now, but you can’t…”
- Affirm the child’s anger: “That stupid boot, it never does as it’s told. it’s impossible”
- Distract
- Make a joke of it
- Keep your distance when the child starts to get frustrated — children are more patient when their parents aren’t there
When the child has reached the age of three and a half, tantrums normally decrease and the child becomes more even-tempered. Of course, children develop at a different rate and it also depends on their personality and the conditions around them.
Strong-willed, temperamental children often become more challenging during periods of tantrums than quieter, better-natured children — and therefore require more adaptation and parenting. If life is confused or if a parent is suffering from stress, it can be easy to fall into a vicious circle in which the child is mostly dealt with through nagging and being told off. That strategy often doesn’t work and instead serves to increase the tantrums.
Research shows that the most important thing to do when you’re stuck in a negative spiral like that is to give the child positive attention — by having a lot of good little moments together. They don’t need to be long or complicated. They just need to be regular with an undemanding atmosphere. They could happen at bedtime, during the evening bath, on the sofa watching TV or when playing a game. Both the child and you yourself as a parent need to replenish your love and be reminded that you actually do love each other. Then you’ll be better equipped to deal with the next outburst. The point is to make sure to have a moment together without arguments every day. When you’re not bringing the child up or taking about boring things, but just enjoying being together. It would be a good idea to talk to the child about how you’re going to start having those moments and make it clear that you just want to have a bit of cosy time together.
If you’re stressed about all the arguments, you can end up trying to force the child to obey or calm down. You might suddenly start to think that telling off or imposing super-strict consequences is the only parenting method that works. Unfortunately such methods can be tough on small children. The idea of a time-out, a variation on the old-fashioned “stand in the corner”, is too harsh for such a small child. Getting the child to stay in his or her room until he or she has calmed down may sound like a good idea in theory. But in practice it means that the child gets no help from adults to deal with his or her emotions. If you become frustrated by all the arguments, it’s better for you to remove yourself for a while.
How angry can a parent get? Losing your temper and shouting occasionally is perfectly normal, even if afterwards you feel you’ve gone too far. Children know that parents are human and, because tantrums are about learning to deal with anger and frustration, they need to practise in different situations. Some children don’t give up before you yourself have become really angry.
But if you sometimes feel that you get so angry that the child gets hurt or becomes frightened, you need to find new strategies. It may be a good idea to start by talking to your partner or to the BHV nurse.
