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When You Argue “Too Much”

Text by Clara Linnros, child psychologist

Conflicts between parents and children

Arguments and conflicts with children are part of everyday life even when the terrible twos have passed. The child learns a lot about him or herself and about relationships with others during conflicts with parents and siblings. The child also learns those lessons in a safe context — the relationship with the parents is strong enough to sustain strain and arguments! As a parent, you don’t need to manage every argument or situation perfectly, it won’t damage the relationship or the child if you are sometimes too grumpy and angry. Sometimes, however, families end up in situations in which arguments take up a large part of daily life. All you do is argue, think that the child is angry and quarrelsome all the time or that the parent feels bitter and angry most of the time. It wears you down and uses up everyone’s strength. As a parent, you may become stressed at the fact that you’re failing to deal with the children and wonder why you’re arguing so much.

Children, like adults, have different temperaments and some find it easier to control their feelings than others. Some children become frustrated more quickly and more often, whereas other children have a longer fuse. If the child is hot-headed and his or her emotions are extremely up and down, it requires more from a parent during the years in which the child’s brain is maturing and developing. Parents also naturally have different temperaments and a different ability to keep calm in challenging situations. When it comes to how to manage children and what is permitted, we also have our own experiences from when we were growing up. Two parents of the same child can therefore end up seeing their child in quite a different way and will want to do things differently, which can be a challenge.

When you argue too much

If the conflicts become too big and/or take up too much space in the relationship, you as a parent need to consider ways to break the negative spiral. Research shows that the most effective way of reducing the frequency of arguments is to increase positive attention and have good times together. The rule of thumb is to give five times as much positive attention as negative attention. For children who are very argumentative or defiant, we know that the ratio is often the reverse: they receive many times more tellings off or negative attention than positive attention and praise.

This first advice about positive attention can be seen from two different points of view. One is that you need to replenish your relationship account with the child so the child can begin to express him or herself in a positive way. If the child is told off or ordered around a lot, that tends to be reflected in what comes out of the child. If you look at the relationship account as an “ATM”, you need to be in credit every time you “make a withdrawal”, i.e. when you become angry and irritated or have to tell the child off or stop him or her doing something. The second point of view is that the behaviour children get attention for will be strengthened. This applies to both positive and negative behaviour. So what you want to see more of must generally be reinforced through attention and praise, whereas you can attempt to avoid reinforcing negative behaviour by not paying attention to it. A simple “no” or “don’t do that” is often enough. Sometimes it may perhaps even be enough to distract the child or pretend you don’t see what he or she is doing. It can feel strange not to tell the child off for behaviour you don’t want to see. You can strengthen your stance by remembering that it’s a method that works. In these situations, telling off doesn’t tend to be effective, yet we can always ask ourselves this: has the strategy I’ve been using up to now been working?

In order to get good times with your child, you can introduce “Daily Playtime”. The idea is that you, the parent, allow the child to lead you in a game for a while each day, approximately 10–15 minutes for 3–4 year olds. That does more for the relationship than a full session in a play area at the weekend! Many parents think they’re “no good at playing” or that it’s not much fun. But you don’t need to be a games enthusiast or to have a lot of imagination, you can leave that to the child. It’s all about accompanying the child for a while in what the child is doing/playing, listening and being curious. Imagine that you’re a football commentator — though perhaps not quite so heated! — and you’re putting what you see into words. To have their parent watching in an affectionate, interested way for a little while does wonders for children’s self-esteem and for the relationship. It can also do the trick for your guilty conscience as a parent if, whenever you say no to play, you know that the child is going to get positive attention during the daily playtime. Bear in mind that the child leads and you follow during that time, whereas usually the relationship is the other way round. So it’s not about teaching the child anything; you sit back and just follow!

More preventive advice

Clear routines in everyday life can also help frustrated children. You know that dinner will be ready in ten minutes, but a child who’s absorbed in a game or a TV programme has no idea and the transition can be difficult. It’s normally helpful if you prepare the child for the end of an activity and for what is to come soon. Sometimes you think that you’ve prepared the child, but a four year-old who’s playing a video game may have completely missed it. Make sure to be in contact with the child during your clear preparations, rather than just shouting several times from the kitchen. Another way of helping a child who reacts negatively to changes and unpredictability may be to have clear daily routines and doing things in the same order in the mornings and evenings. Some people draw up schedules with small pictures of what’s going to happen that many children are fond of. It gives them the chance to keep an eye on things.

Knowing what’s going to happen can reduce a strong-willed child’s need to take over and decide in all situations. At the same time, it may be a good idea to think of things they can decide for themselves. Besides playtimes, the child may perhaps also be allowed to decide what he or she is going to wear, for example by choosing between two alternatives, or you could also allow the child to choose what food to eat one day a week.

Clear routines in everyday life can also be about not giving your child too much choice! As a parent, you may want to strengthen your child’s own will and expression, but it may simply be too much to cope with for a small child who is already full of impressions and social challenges after a day at preschool. It may be better to say “Now we’re doing this” instead of questioning too much or giving him or her choices. It’s also clearer and easier for children to assimilate if parents tell the child what to do instead of telling the child what not to do, whenever possible. For example, when being picked up from preschool: “Now we’re going to get the bus home”, instead of “Now it’s time to stop running around the yard”, or the classic “Shall we go home now?”.

Manage the tantrum

If you follow the above advice, there will normally be fewer arguments and tantrums. But children have different temperaments and some children find it difficult to deal with frustration and disappointment. The tantrums become more intense and then what do you do with an extremely angry child?

When a child has a real tantrum, it’s often impossible to get through to the child, at least by talking and using logic. It could be described as a “meltdown”. An otherwise competent four year-old who has well-developed language and is able to reason and put forward arguments can’t access those skills when he or she is having a tantrum. Trying to get through to the child with a lot of talk about why you can’t do something right now or threatening consequences or asking the child what he or she really wants only leads to more stress and can prolong the tantrum. You want to get through to the child’s sensible side, but the child can’t be sensible. Instead, the demand only increases the child’s frustration. A four year-old can often reason in a much more advanced way than a three year-old, which can deceive you as a parent. But a four year-old still requires a great deal of support. And during emotional outbursts and tantrums, it’s the parent’s job to help the child calm down. That will happen sooner if you yourself are calm and don’t carry on talking. Sometimes you need to remove the child from a situation in which he or she is being destructive or arguing, but you mustn’t leave a small child by him or herself. Some children can be held in a gentle way so they perhaps relax after a while and become unhappy instead of angry. Others get worse if they’re embraced. In that case, you can sit a little bit away from them and show that you’re there, hum something comforting or tell them that you understand that it seems unfair. Of course, it can be very difficult to keep calm! Many parents are surprised at the strong feelings that a conflict with a small child arouses in them. If you get so angry that you escalate the argument, it’s time for you yourself to take a time-out and go away and take a deep breath. If there are two parents, one can ask the other to step in.

When the tantrum is over, you can sometimes talk about what went wrong and perhaps explain what happened. However, that’s usually not necessary. The child knows the rules, but couldn’t stop or calm down. As a parent, you can instead consider whether it might be possible to avoid similar situations in future. At the same time, you can’t aim to avoid all situations in which there’s a risk of an argument or an outburst! That’s asking too much of yourself and nor would it be the right thing to do! You have to remember that arguments and outbursts are part of life. It’s not dangerous or harmful for children to become extremely angry — it’s in their safe relationships that they are able to test their feelings. A child’s development is not about not becoming angry, unhappy or frustrated, but learning to understand his or her own feelings and learning that they’re not dangerous and that things will get back to normal again. You learn that when you deal with a parent who is older and wiser and who is there for you.

What affects the child

Beside the fact that children have different temperaments and that a headstrong child makes more demands on parents, other things can naturally also play a part. Children are sensitive to how their parents are feeling and react if a parent is unwell or if there are a lot of arguments in the family. Sometimes, to help the child, you have to start by helping yourself. Perhaps you need more help and relief as a family? Changes such as moving house, changing schools or preschool groups can also be stressful for children. It can also affect a child if there is a lot going at preschool, a high turnover of staff or other changes. As a parent, you might wonder what happened prior to the outburst and the contexts in which they occur. Simply, what’s going on inside the child?

Follow and lead

Following and leading a child is one of the main aspects of parenting. It can be difficult to find a balance — when do you follow the child and when do you lead? You lead a small baby all the time, even though you do it sensitively based on the baby’s needs. The bigger children get, the more they have a will of their own and their own interests. Children need to be seen and affirmed in this growing. However, you do your child a disservice if you think he or she is capable of too much leading. Leading a child through everyday life and all difficult situations and setting limits is protecting the child and taking responsibility. Just as you take the child’s hand to cross a busy road, whether the child wants to not, or stop the child from picking up his or her newborn sibling by the head, you need to control the child in the same clear way when picking the child up from preschool or at bedtime. Leading is not debating and reaching a joint agreement; it’s deciding what’s going to happen based on the child’s needs. The child may instead be allowed to lead in a game or in a situation where it is possible and which is adapted according to what the child can manage.

Questions to consider

Finally, a few questions to consider if you seem to have ended up with a lot of arguments and nagging: