He or She — Children’s Gender Identity
At the age of three, many children become aware what gender they are and may be keen to affirm that they are male or female. Gender identity is one of the most fundamental and most important identity issues for small children. When they realise what gender they are, that identity may become important for their whole self-image for a while. Also, children may often want to exaggerate and play with their gender identity. Some girls suddenly only want to wear pink clothes and boys may want to live in their Batman capes.
Children’s thought processes are developed by sorting phenomena into categories. This also applies to gender identity. The gender categories for children may be “girls” or “boys”, but it doesn’t necessarily follow that “girls” and “women” go together. A child’s gender view may instead be based on unexpected criteria such as girls having two earrings and boys having tights with no feet. Also, many children at this age think that girls could easily become dogs when they grow up, while boys may become mothers.
It’s just as common for 3–4 year-olds to want to play with gender roles as it is for them to be very girly or very boyish. Small boys often want princess dresses and floral shoes and girls can pretend that they’re boys by hanging a scarf out from their underwear. Children test themselves by strongly emphasising their own gender and exploring the attributes of the other gender. They develop a balanced view of themselves through exploration. These games help develop the child’s identity.
As a parent, you may have different attitudes towards children’s gender identity games. You may perhaps think that gender differences are important and that they contribute to diversity and variety. You may then be alarmed if your son wants to wear dresses for a while. For others, it might instead be important for children to be treated in a gender-neutral way. If you choose to call your child Kim and say “hen” [an amalgamation of the Swedish words “han” (he) and “hon” (she)] instead of emphasising the child’s gender, it can be awkward if your daughter goes through an intense pink period. As a parent, however, you have to remember that children’s play is based on what they are preoccupied with at the moment and has nothing to do with how a child develops over time. Tolerance of the child’s expression and play is the best approach.
Regardless of your attitude, it’s important for every child to have the opportunity to develop to his or her full potential. In our complex society, we are expected to be emotionally responsive and have social skills, but also to be good at reading maps and following statistical arguments. Children need to develop all kinds of qualities, both those typically referred to as “female” and those referred to as “male”. If fathers are present and involved as parents, it’s an important signal to a child concerning the meaning of gender roles. Since research shows that we bring up girls and boys differently, such as by giving less encouragement to girls’ development of gross motor skills and attaching greater importance to expressing their emotions than we do with boys, this may be an important question to consider. It’s still more common for boys to be branded as troublemakers and not receive support in their relationships with friends and for nervous, quiet girls to be “forgotten” and receive no support in making themselves visible and expressing themselves. If you have any concerns about your child’s gender development, you can discuss it with the BHV nurse during your visit to the BVC.
