Fear and Anxiety Among Three and Four Year-Olds
It is of course normal for children to be anxious and afraid at times. It’s part of growing up and it’s also part of being human. But sometimes, small children are so worried that anxiety prevents them from exploring, doing things for themselves and developing. Studies estimate that as many as 5–15 per cent of children of preschool and school age sometimes experience that level of anxiety. So it’s quite common to be anxious when you’re small.
Anxiety often manifests itself as the child being unhappy, not wanting to do things that frighten him or her, finding it difficult to let go of a parent or having unpleasant fantasies or dreams. Preschool age children can also be obsessed by something that worries them and may talk a lot about it and find it difficult to let go and move on. However, anxiety can also manifest itself in the form of tantrums or naughty behaviour. For that reason, it’s always important to try and understand why children are naughty. Perhaps they need to learn to deal with their fear rather than manage their anger.
Because fear and anxiety can increase when you avoid the thing that frightens you, it’s important for children to be encouraged to face up to their fears. It’s not always easy to shuttle between affirming their emotions, comforting them and at the same time encouraging them to dare to try things.
But fear and anxiety in children may of course be due to the fact that there are things in the child’s life that are frightening or stressful. Perhaps the child has witnessed something unpleasant such as being a refugee or losing a parent. Perhaps the child is anxious after a move, because someone frightened the child at preschool, because a parent lost his or her job, drinks too much or because the child’s parents are separating. In such cases, the child’s fear is a natural reaction to the fact that the child is going through something difficult. Instead of following the advice in this text, it’s more important to focus on comforting and supporting the child while trying to make the situation around the child more stable.
In this text we try and describe what you can do as a parent. If you’re finding it difficult or have a child who is very anxious, you can consult a child psychologist at Malinamottagningarna available at some healthcare centres. They can help with practical tips on how to support your child. There are also good books containing parenting tips available. One example is Martin Forster’s book from 2013: Jag törs inte men jag gör det ändå. Om barns välmående och självkänsla.
Children’s fears
Almost all children get afraid, worried and anxious — at least sometimes. From an evolutionary perspective, fear has an important protective function because it makes us more alert in dangerous situations. The fact that children develop fear of people they don’t know in the second half of their first year of life shows that they have established a connection to a parent and seek security with them. It can be said that fear of snakes and spiders has benefited mankind’s survival throughout our evolution.
The smallest children are often frightened by specific phenomena such as loud noises or specific environments. Perhaps they’re afraid of water and struggle to avoid having their hair washed. Preschool children’s fears are affected by their imagination. The ability to imagine is an asset, but it also means that children can imagine frightening things such as villains and monsters. Like Alfie Atkins, whose father has to look for a lion under the bed in the evening. Many preschool children find their own strategies for dealing with their fears. They may have small mantras that they mumble when they go into the bathroom or they may suddenly refuse to get into an elevator or fall asleep by themselves in the evenings.
Help for frightened children
Anxious children may show an extreme reaction in situations that frighten them. As a parent, you’re affected by the child’s fear and want to help and comfort them. Despite your best intentions, you may then develop an approach that increases rather than reduces the fear. Particularly if the parent is a little bit worried him or herself. It can almost be said that worry is contagious because, as a parent, you can unconsciously teach your child that things are frightening and best dealt with by avoiding them. Sometimes the whole family also influences a child’s fears in the form of habits, avoidances or rituals. Perhaps you avoid flying, going out in the forest or having a babysitter. It’s understandable, but by avoiding it you unfortunately confirm the basic assumption that the world is dangerous and that the best thing to do is hide away because you don’t have a chance of being able to deal with what frightens you.
Instead, one approach that helps frightened children is to strike a balance between experiencing and affirming children’s fears, while at the same time strengthening the children by encouraging them to believe that they can deal with more than they think they can. Children need to be encouraged to face up to what frightens them because they then accumulate experience of the fact that they are actually capable of facing their fears and that the thing they feared didn’t actually happen!
Some children find it difficult and frightening to be without their parents, have a babysitter, go to preschool or play at other children’s houses. The child may be obsessed by fantasies and thoughts that something terrible will happen to the child him or herself or to the parents when they are separated. It is of course natural and desirable for children to be dependent on their parents, particularly when they are as small as three or four. However, if a child finds it difficult to let go in a way that feels obstructive or leads to conflict, the child needs support to enable him or her to manage separation. Initially only for short periods to allow the child to accumulate positive experiences by him or herself or along with other adults. You can reach agreement with the child on how to set it up so that the child feels included and in control of when you “practise” being apart from each other. Perhaps a babysitter that the child feels safe with can look after the child at the beginning, before you begin risky undertakings such as children’s gymnastics or some other activity that doesn’t include the parents. It’s also important to explain to the child that you’re not “practising” because you don’t like being with the child; you’re practising so the child can take part in a lot of fun things if he or she gradually learns to be away from the parents sometimes.
Many children are particularly anxious in the evenings at bedtime. Studies have also shown that fear and anxiety among children has an adverse effect on their sleep. They may find it difficult to sleep at night and to go back to sleep when they wake up in the night. For children aged 3–4, the easiest way to make a child feel safe at night is to allow him or her to sleep with a parent. If you find it crowded and awkward to have a child in bed, you can arrange a mattress on the floor or a place at the foot of the bed where the child can sleep all night or can tiptoe into if the child wakes up in his or her own bed. Allowing 3–4 year-olds to sleep with a parent doesn’t mean that they’ll carry on doing that at school age. A child’s development affects every aspect and habits at one age can change very easily when a child gets a bit older.
However, if the fear is about the child not wanting to go to preschool, you must first make sure that the child is having a good time there. For children who are a little anxious, preschool can be perceived as rowdy and unsafe. Perhaps the child withdraws instead of asking for support. For that reason, it’s important to accept help from the preschool staff to make the child feel more comfortable. The child may sometimes need to be allowed to play in peace and quiet with one other child. Perhaps you could ask a member of staff who the child specially likes to take particular care of the child to increase the child’s sense of security.
If the child wants to avoid a particular location that he or she perceives as frightening, you can help by taking the child’s hand and saying “Now we’ll go there calmly and you’ll see that nothing will happen”. Children can be helped by taking small steps towards doing something that frightens them. If a child is frightened of going into a room with no light on, perhaps you could begin by going into the room with the child holding his or her hand and turning on the light together. The next time maybe go in with the child and allow him or her to turn on the light. When the child is accustomed to a parent being there, you could take it a step further and see if the child dares to try it him or herself. Perhaps there might be a reward waiting in the basement for a child who’s been brave enough to go down the cellar stairs by him or herself. If a child doesn’t want to get into an elevator, you say firmly with a smile that of course you must get into the elevator “Because it’s not dangerous” and help strengthen the child during the elevator ride. If a child has difficulties with enclosed spaces or closed doors, you can agree to close the toilet door more and more gradually so the child gets used to it. At first, you can accompany the child or stand outside the door. It’s important to highlight small steps forward and show the child what he or she has achieved.
Many anxious children also seek assurances from their parents that things are not dangerous. If you find that it prevents your child from daring to do things him or herself, you could say “Life isn’t dangerous, even if you are frightened of blue men” instead of saying “There are no blue men”.
This kind of response can be directly contrary to your instinct and gut feeling as a parent. Of course you’d rather comfort and make things easier for the frightened child. The more the child protests, the more difficult it is for you to be firm and lead the child in the right direction. To enable them to help children face what they’re frightened of, parents may in turn need support and assurance in their new approach.
