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Separating as Parents

Text by Malin Bergström, child psychologist and senior lecturer; Clara Linnros, child psychologist

Parental separation with young children

Separating when you have young children can be overwhelming. At the same time as having to solve thousands of practical questions, you also have to be available for the children and find your way around in your new life. Some of the situations that you are often faced with when parents separate are described in this brochure.

Parents with young children who are separating often have many questions and may need to discuss them with someone from outside the situation.

If you would like support and advice about what to do with your child or your ex, some organisations that you can turn to are described at the back of the brochure.

Explaining to your child

Many parents feel that it is hard to talk about the separation, so they wait. To avoid worrying the children, perhaps you want to sort out accommodation first. It is, however, best to tell the children as soon as possible because children can sense their parents’ moods. If children feel that something has changed, it is better if they know and are able to share their thoughts and anxieties. You help children by being clear and answering their questions. If children ask if you are sad, you can tell them you are, but don’t speak badly about the other parent or bring up your “adult problems”. Answer the questions from the children little by little, by following the children’s thoughts. Even if it feels sad and hard, as a parent you should give your children hope that things will be better in the future. This is what the grown ups should make sure of! As a parent it is good to have a plan for the conversation, but you also need a plan for what to do afterwards. Doing something fun together helps the children to gather themselves and it demonstrates that life continues much the same as before. Tell the children together and keep in mind that conversations with young children need to be brief! Describe in concrete terms what the change will be like, from the child’s perspective.

Communication

To communicate about the daily life and wellbeing of the children is important, but can be difficult. Sending an e-mail in peace and quiet is often easier than talking about issues on the telephone when you are in the middle of something else and the children may be present. A separate e-mail account that is only about the children can work well; in this way e-mails do not get lost among others and can be regularly checked. This also means you are prepared when you open the e-mail and it need not come as a surprise. A mutual diary can accompany the child. Going through what he or she did last week together with the child can be good and generates continuity. If the child is very young and a parent is unused to being away from the child, images of the child in different situations sent via MMS from the other parent can have a calming effect at the start. This might help the person who is away from the child to relax. When a parent is anxious, fixed (limited) times for getting in touch might be necessary. The communication can be about what has happened to the child while away, but also about planning ahead. Forward planning and sticking to the plans and routines help the child feel secure.

Talk about the change

A separation means many changes for both parents and children. Many children say afterwards that they never spoke about what they went through with any grown ups. Even though the children do not talk about the divorce themselves, it is good if you as a parent raise the subject sometimes. Being able to talk about the things happening to them helps children get the story of their life together and to share and work on what has happened. In everyday life, saying things like “those books have been left at mum’s” or “do you remember last Christmas when we all lived together?” demonstrates for the children that it is OK to talk about what has happened to the family. Sometimes they get sad or angry when they think about the divorce. But it is good that such emotions can be displayed together with the parents. Then the children do not have to keep things bottled up. And it becomes easier to move on.

Where the child lives

It is difficult to give general advice about where the children should live and how they move between the parents. Alternating homes, where the children live as much with one parent as the other, is normal and has been described as positive for many children by researchers. But of course this does not necessarily mean that this form of living fits your child or your family. In general it is good for the child to experience daily life with both parents, but exactly how the child’s time should be divided depends on the personality of the child and the parents circumstances. The child’s security with each parent influences how the child thrives in the home and with access. If one of you had a greater responsibility for the children prior to the separation, that parent needs to be given time to practise letting go and building trust. The other parent needs to develop his or her parental self-esteem by taking care of the child independently and building the relationship. Children are different as well. Some do better by staying for longer periods, because the transitions are a strain. For others it is instead important to have frequent changes since missing the other parent can soon become overwhelming. Sometimes you can get over this with a meeting in the middle of a period or through video call routines. Predictability is good for the child, so the scheme for living with or meeting parents must be predictable and regular, so that the child gets used to it and has a secure rhythm in where he or she lives.

Monday Tuesday Wednesday Thursday Friday Saturday Sunday
Every other week P1 P1 P1 P1 P1 P1 P1
P2 P2 P2 P2 P2 P2 P2
Boosters P2 P2 P1 P2 P2 P2 P2
P1 P1 P2 P1 P1 P1 P1
Frequent changes P2 P1 P2 P1 P2 P1 P2
2+2+3 P1 P1 P2 P2 P1 P1 P1
P2 P2 P1 P1 P2 P2 P2
2+2+5+5 P2 P2 P1 P1 P2 P2 P2
P2 P2 P1 P1 P1 P1 P1

Routines

It helps children to have routines and predictability in their living schedule and when changing over between their parents. It is useful to have a ritual for the first and the last day, for example a bath with the same rubber duck, a special cuddly toy that greets the child, a special type of food or TV time. It becomes predictable and secure and helps children to get used to “being at home” more quickly. Children often need more attention and closeness on the first day after a change, but some may shy away and shut themselves up at the start. As a parent you need to keep an eye on the children, with patience and reassurance. What does the child need to feel safe? This might be snuggling up for a cuddle or, on the other hand, time alone in front of the TV before the child “accepts” you as a parent. For young children it can feel secure if the routines are fairly similar in both homes. Stopping the daily nap and nappies at the same time in both homes also helps.

Prepare the child

Children do well if they have a firm structure about who they are living with. Young children do not understand dates and days of the week unless parents prepare them and make things clear. Knowing creates security, not knowing may cause anxiety. Really young children have a limited memory and perception of time. They need to be reminded in the morning about who is collecting them and can be reminded by a string in the belt loop that means that mummy is going to collect them. The child can then check the loop during the day if it forgets. Older children can have a weekly calendar with pictures of the parent they are living with. In the evening, they tick the day to see how many days left until they swap over.

If you as parents are not warm and friendly towards each other, or if the child seems to become stressed when swapping over it can be an advantage to swap over at preschool.

Reactions

It is not unusual that children react to a separation and a new daily life. Anxiety might be causing the child to behave like he or she did when younger or with anger and defiance. As a parent you might think that the child has been “scarred for life” and become heartbroken. But the child needs to react and be supported by you the parents. Anxious children need help to calm down, cuddles, sitting on your lap and sleeping close to you. Angry children need a firm adult who confirms the feeling but still goes through the daily routines. “I can hear that you are very angry and that you absolutely don’t want to, but we still have to brush your teeth now”. To have the willpower to do this in the middle of a divorce can be hard. Many parents with young children who are separating still feel that they can keep themselves together for the sake of the children. If a child continues to feel bad, sleeps or eats poorly and is anxious or angry, you need to give some thought to understanding what is stressing the child. Common reasons for reactions in a child are that parents argue, one of the parents feels low or the child’s scheme does not fit. However the child’s behaviour can also be caused by the child’s own development and in fact have nothing to do with the separation.

Feelgood moments

A separation often means a crisis and many changes. As a parent you might be worried about practical things, sad or angry. Young children do not know our thoughts and our worries unless we show them, but they can still sense the mood. When parents and children have playtime or a good time, it makes the child feel tranquil and secure. If your life feels stormy, you might think about creating “calm in the eye of the storm”. Having such moments regularly gives both children and parents the opportunity to refuel the relationship and their feelings. Think about what you and the child enjoy doing together and make sure that you regularly share such moments. These enjoyable moments might also help you when life gets confused!

Highlights for the child

When children live with their parents alternately, parents make their own lives at home with the children. At the same time, joint parenthood never ceases. You are always the child’s family. This becomes very clear at the child’s big events: Lucia processions, finishing preschool, dance shows and football matches. Such occasions are very important for children. If both parents attend, it is important that you can meet without creating tensions or arguments the child can detect. If this is the case, it is probably better to attend alternately?

New partner — time alone with the child

If you have a new partner, as a parent it is good to have separate child-parent moments. In simple terms, this means that you regularly do things on your own with your child. You often want your new family constellation to come together. But clearly protected own time with his or her parent provides security for the child and provides better conditions for new relationships and can help to reduce jealousy.

Target

Set a target for how you want your joint parenthood to be at some time far into the future, perhaps when the child is a student. Such a thought reminds you that joint parenthood will continue for life and may increase your motivation to work for good joint parenthood. It can take time before things calm down, but for the sake of the child it is good to strive to get there. It is good for the children not to have to worry about the parent relationship. You can strengthen the child’s relationship with the other parent by speaking well about the other parent in the context of daily life.

If you want to discuss the child’s needs and wellbeing, you can raise the matter at the BVC (child healthcare centre). If you need to discuss your relationship as parents or get help with cooperation, you can contact family counselling or family law:

If you wish to learn more: